And now to rest for a bit...

As I take on this new stay-at-home mom job, I have found myself with the need to get out of the house and connect with others that are at the same spot in life. When you go out to your job, you are around coworkers and other people who are doing similar things. When you are a stay-at-home mom, your coworker is often gone for most of the day (aka my husband who works an out of house job as well as being Papa). This means that my relational, verbal processing self is left alone at my job. This is hard on me. I have always said I would have a hard time working in a cubicle in front of a computer. This is true for multiple reasons, but one is that I need to talk to people!!! Talking to an infant who can't talk back is only one step up from not talking to anyone, even though I know it is super important for her development.

In order to combat this downside to my new job, I have joined a couple of Mom type groups during the week/month so that I can chat with other adults and share the ups and downs of this job with other people that are in the same line of business (By the way, I do not call it a job in an effort to in any way make it seem like this is a chore or something I don't enjoy. I called teaching a job, but loved it. I call being a mom a job as a way to say, what I do counts! I'm not just a stay-at-home mom. It is my job and passion and what I do counts in so many ways. This is my way to add even more value and worth to what I do, in a job-driven society).

One of these groups is the local MOPS. This year's theme for these "Mothers of Preschoolers" is A Fierce Flourishing. The focus is on celebrating lavishly, embracing rest, and noticing goodness. After September's meeting I was pumped. Yes! I told myself, I am going to rest well, enjoying my daughter as she grows and changes and I will notice goodness and I will celebrate!

So, I tried to live this practice out. Let me tell you, folks. I did great! I rested so well. I spent time with my daughter; I put my to-do list away; I sat outside with my baby girl looking at the birds and the grass.

We even snuggled (okay, really the only way that I was able to get my overly observant, take-everything-in,  never miss a beat girl from snuggling was to lie down where the ever intriguing grass is then behind my shoulder, but I will take what I can get people!). I felt connected to my daughter. I felt at peace.

Life was good...for a whole half a day.

I was feeling so great about my quality time with my daughter and the choices I had made for the day. I was relaxed and at ease. My husband came home, we ate dinner, we put our daughter to bed.

And then, I don't know what came over me (besides the fact that before I decided to embrace rest I had already started making pickles and salsa). There I was at 9pm in the kitchen, slaving over a hot stove, canning. Granted I didn't want to have all that food go to waste and I had already started soaking the pickles and boiling the salsa before I had my great revelation to rest well with my daughter, but I somehow thought I could rest AND do all the things. There I was at 10 o'clock at night, sitting on the couch next to my husband, crying because my feet hurt and I was exhausted. All my rest throughout the afternoon was, in a sense, wasted. I was no longer relaxed and at ease. I was frustrated and tired. My whole demeanor had changed.

But I also learned something important. I DO want to embrace rest. I want to be able to put aside my to-do list if it means sitting quietly for a bit and breathing deeply. I want to notice what my daughter is doing. I want to read with her and play with her and not be constantly doing things. As it has sometimes been called- I want margin. I want space in my day, week, month where there is nothing planned and nothing that has to get done right then at that moment. I want to rest so that I can be a better mom, a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend and a better person. When I have time to rest and am not always hurrying around, I have time to chat with the grocery store cashier or my neighbor. I have time to see the colors in the sky and appreciate the plants in my backyard. No, I'm not accomplishing things, but perhaps I need to change my understanding of what it means to accomplish something. Does it have to be something someone else can see, or can it simply be a slight change in my demeanor that perhaps only my husband notices (who is amazing at reading the nuances of my emotions and mood by the way)?

So this year I will be attempting to embrace rest, celebrate lavishly and notice goodness. And perhaps the next time I stop to rest, I won't feel the need to make up for it later.