One time a friend of mine posted a picture of herself doing laundry on Facebook with the caption- "So that cultural anthropologists in the future,when they study our culture through social media, will know that I did more than just visit the beach and play with my son." It is true; often social media shows only the positives in our lives. We display our best side so that it looks like life is full of smiles, trips, and hangouts. The problem is that sometimes we compare ourselves based on this skewed view of life. Where is the ugly in this?
I am blessed with a few friends that share the ugly. One of those friends can easily laugh at herself and shares the funny, embarrassing and hard realities of parenting and life. But perhaps there isn't enough of this. In fact I know there isn't enough of this because when the ugly comes up, sometimes we feel like the only ones with ugly. Okay, sometimes I feel like the only one with ugly. Even the humorous sharing of other people's ugly doesn't help because that feels like a sitcom; something to laugh at. My ugly feels much more like something to be ashamed of- something to hide.
I had some ugly tonight. My daughter has the tendency to urinate while I am changing her diaper. Sure it isn't the sweeping mess caused by boys, but it tends to run down the creases at her hips and puddle behind her on the changing table, getting her clothes and back covered in pee. At 1 o'clock in the morning, after waking her up to feed her (remember this depressing fact that I have to wake her up to feed her?), she wasn't staying awake enough to nurse, so I went in to change her diaper to wake her up a little more. In the midst of changing, she urinated. I caught it, but not in time to keep her sleeper completely dry; just enough on it that I felt I needed to change it. Off came the sleeper and on went the clean diaper...and out came more pee before I could get the diaper closed up. Another wasted diaper and pee up my daughter's back. I was done. I had had enough. Another diaper wasted when I was already sick of how much more trash we were producing with an infant. Another sleeper in the laundry without making it through the night. More smell of pee on my daughter after just giving her a bath.
Another screaming child in another mess in the middle of the night.
Ugly came in the form of instant frustration at the situation. I have enough logic, even at 1am thankfully, that I knew my daughter didn't do this on purpose and it was nobody's fault, but I was done. "I am so sick of this," I sighed in frustration...not entirely quietly. I took a step back and tried to calm myself down, but sometimes ugly doesn't just disappear because our logical brain says it is ridiculous to be upset with an infant, and, these things happen, and, it is easily cleaned up. Ugly only knows that it is 1am, I'm tired, I've dealt with a screaming infant all day, I'm tired of cleaning up urine and feeling like I'm wasting diapers and clothes. I let my infant scream on the changing table and tried to take deep breathes. This is where I am again impressed by single parents because my husband stepped into my ugly and sent me out to "do something else" while he cleaned her up and finished changing her diaper. I had back-up, and I know not everyone has that luxury.
I went into the kitchen and tried to figure out where this ugly frustration had come from as I listened to my husband coo and comfort our daughter. I felt like an awful parent: for the irrational frustration that I was so tempted to take out on our precious baby; for not being as calming and together as my husband (in other words, feeling like a lesser parent); for not getting this mom thing right. Except I am getting this mom thing right- I mean I woke my child up at 1am in order to feed her so she can keep growing strong and putting on weight, right? And my husband hadn't been home with her all day, so he hadn't worn out his parenting patience yet. And other people have parenting ugliness, they just don't air their parenting ugly.
This was a moment where I literally and figuratively looked at my feet. Literally as I leaned on the kitchen sink taking deep breathes telling myself that it wasn't a big deal and to calm down. Figuratively as I inwardly cast my eyes down, ashamed at myself for my actions and frustrated words and my short comings.
And feet made me think of following. And that lead to typing the majority of this post with one hand as I nursed my daughter at 1am in the morning, because there is redemption. Because I can sit on the couch, taking deep breathes, asking forgiveness for my ugliness and admiring the perfection in miniature form, that is my daughter. Because I follow a loving and merciful Savior. My ugliness may come and it will come, but there is forgiveness and grace and patience and start-overs.
And regardless of what social media tells me, I am not the only one with ugliness.
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