Lent Day 36: Truth

"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:38-40

I have no picture for today, but let me paint a picture of what I was struck by (it just wasn't an appropriate time to take a picture, and I didn't think of it till I was already away from the situation):
Imagine a church fellowship hall. It smells of spaghetti sauce. There are a dozen round tables in the middle of the room and seated around each one are several people. People have slowly filtered in from either walking to the church or having driven. There are children running around. A baby cries. People in the kitchen smile as they dish up spaghetti and bread and green beans and cookies; or fill cups with water and coffee.

Now change your picture slightly if you are imagining a stereotypical Sunday potluck where everyone is putting on a good face, everyone is clean and dressed in their best.

Imagine that someone in the kitchen is actually completing mandated community service while others are working on getting hours for high school service clubs and some are just serving up pasta after a long day at work because they enjoy bringing a smile to the faces of the people who are here tonight.

Change your Sunday morning potluck to a Wednesday evening community supper, offered to anyone and everyone.

This is the church my hubby and I have been attending for just over a year. When we got married we decided that we wanted to find a new church that would fit us as a couple instead of choosing one of the churches we had been attending while we were dating. It was a hard move for me since I had grown up and attended the same church for pretty much my whole life. It felt like betraying a family. But it was good for our marriage. The church at which we ended up was partly due to the fact that it was right around the corner from our house. It really didn't have anything to do with denomination. Plus we liked the pastor (he has an affinity to scholarly Biblical pursuits, as does my husband so they can geek out together) and we liked the focus on reaching the community close at hand--being good neighbors and building relationships over pulling people in to fill the pews. It's a small church with lower resources, but huge hearts.

Every Wednesday there is a community service. In fact, each night of the week a church in our town holds a community supper and it just so happens that Wednesday night is our night. My husband and I attend on and off each week, depending on work schedules, etc. But for some reason last night spoke truth to me. It spoke the truth of loving your neighbor. It spoke the truth of community.

I am an introvert, but love being around people and in relationship. I just hate social situations that are with people I don't know very well or are completely new. Usually I do a lot better with my social security blanket (namely my husband, or some other friend I know well). This time I was on my own, though. Just me and the baby.

Now I don't know if a baby inducts you into some club or what, but I felt loved and connected and the beautiful thing is, it was with people of all different walks of life, like the family of God should be. On Wednesdays I have had dinner with doctors, pastors, teachers, construction workers, retirees, and unemployed people. There are those that are homeless, home owners, or renters. People who walk two or three miles home because they don't have the resources for a car, those who are holding their cars together with tape and string and those who are driving fancy Mustangs. It doesn't matter; we all come together for a meal. And it has been so healthy for me to be a part of this community. Everyone is there to fellowship and eat together. Everyone offers a helping hand. Last night I watched people network and chat to help an older man and his wife figure out how to fix their car without them having to pay hundreds of dollars; I listened to a man on the phone as he chatted with some people who he had just leased his motor home to (when he had planned on selling it out right)--because he knew they needed a place to live. People checked in with me to make sure that our little baby girl is growing all right and "is there anything else you need?"

It doesn't matter your socioeconomic status, your job, your living situation, how your teeth look, what your family situation is... this community speaks truth to me of God's love and the way Jesus lived.

Lent Day 35: Mercy

Yes, there is a bird there, a bluebird right in front of the blue dumpster, and try to ignore the dumpster behind the fence that is used by a business behind our house.

Today as I was doing the dishes, I was struck by the little birds outside the window. (Note to self: our next house should definitely have a window in the kitchen, preferably over the sink). They were busy gathering twigs and weeds from the yard to make their nests. One of my favorite verses, one that has upheld me during some difficult times, came to mind:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:26-27

Lent Day 33: Celebrate

This is a picture of all the things that have been sitting next to the couch day after day that have not been finished. There is a stack of thank yous, paperwork to go through, things from my desk at work that need to be put away, a Bible study that I want to spend more time on, etc, etc...

Today I celebrate all the things that have been accomplished (my hubby helped me clean the house today!) and all the things that are not done. Yes, some of those things are not done because of some laziness, but others are not done because of time spent with my baby, my hubby, family and friends. And spending time with people is something to celebrate. And learning to be okay with unfinished tasks at the end of the day is something to celebrate (see previous post about not finding all of our worth in what we accomplish).

Of course, I am looking ahead and realizing that this post would also work for forgiveness and mercy. I have to learn to forgive myself when I don't get as much done as I think I should, especially when due to what I might perceive as making unwise use of my time. I must be merciful with myself and my limitations due to keeping an infant alive (hey, that is pretty important work, and we are rocking it because this little girl is growing like a weed!).

So you could say I am killing three words with one post.

Lent Day 32: Still

So I originally was going to take a picture of our kitchen clock at 2 o'clock in the morning, but apparently I was so tired that after I fed our little one I just crawled back to bed and then remembered in the morning (well, I guess technically just later in the morning) that as I sat and thought about the word "still" the clock seemed a great representation.

Every time I hear the word "still" in the setting of church, all I think of is the verse in Psalms (46:10) that says "Be still and know that I am God." I am always on the move. When I was pregnant and told I needed to take it easy, I struggled to sit on the couch for extended periods of time, because I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything. As one of my friends recently reminded me, we have to remember that our worth is not found in what we accomplish or finish. Her mom is struggling with some illnesses that make it so that she just can't get much done during the day. In those moments we have to find our worth in something other than what we can accomplish, even though that is where society (especially, I feel, American society) tells us we should get our worth.

As I sit in the middle of the night, in our mostly dark house, with a baby on my lap and nothing else going on, I feel this special kind of stillness. It is the stillness where I think we can encounter God. I think what God intended in that verse (at least for me, today) is that we need to be still in order to find God. Sure, He shows up everywhere, but there is a certain kind of encounter that happens in that stillness, when we purposefully create space with no distractions, blocking out all sound and media pollution. I need to do this more often, because, if nothing else, it creates mental space and helps me focus on what is most important.

Lent Day 31: Place

Last time when I thought about "Place" I thought about my physical place. This week, as I was thinking about "Place" I was struck by my mental place. What kind of place am I at mentally?

The emotional ups and downs of pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum time can create some interesting and quite varied mental places. I have been exhausted, overwhelmed, filled with joy...a whole spectrum of emotions. This week I have been in a much better place emotionally. I feel like I am starting to really connect with my daughter; we were okayed to go off the "low birth weight" feeding plan, meaning there is the chance to get a little more sleep at night; all this led to a better mental place with more joy.

I have a tendency to work myself into pity parties pretty easily (I had this ability before I went through the emotional upheaval of pregnancy) and I have found it is important to evaluate my mental place. My husband has been amazing at helping me with this. He doesn't let me withdraw into myself, but pulls me out into conversation to evaluate these pity parties and not let them happen. Now, I'm not saying that by simply evaluating our mental place we can be in a place of constant joy. There will always be those whose disposition tends towards a more joyful personality versus a melancholy or inwardly contemplative personality. There are going to be times of sadness, anger, questioning, etc. However, I do think that with God's help we can enter into a place of inward joy, or that deep, hard-to-explain emotion that is the deep-down-I-know-I-am-loved-and-cared-for even in the midst of hard times or depressing moods.

And because I am tired, I am now going to veer off on another thought that is unrelated, and I have no good segue to make my writing seem at all professional. I also would like to be in a mental place where I am aware of God's movement. I want to be in a place where I see others the way Jesus seems them so that my interactions might be more Christ-like.

And maybe that is what I really wanted to write in the first place about PLACE, but you get all of the other mental mumblings that got me to what I might really have been thinking in the first place (ah the joys of being a verbal processor and using a blog in the same way I might use a conversation!). 

Lent Day 30: Light

A relative of mine posted a link to a devotional about St. Patrick by Rend Collective, another of my favorite music groups, on Facebook earlier this week. I didn't get around to reading it until last night, but it was wonderful. It inspired my picture of "light" today because they spoke of the fires of city's on hills. Okay it isn't a picture of a fire, but it is the only thing in my house that can be lit on fire (well that is supposed to be lit on fire). Really you should probably just read the words of Rend Collective today.

http://rendcollective.com/a-saint-patricks-day-devotional/

Lent Day 29: Believe

The window next to our changing table looks out to the backyard where the cherry and apple tree are. This means I see them more often (changing lots of diapers these days) and it has been fascinating to watch the transformation. Just a few days ago, it seems, there weren't any blooms on the tree. Each day the buds have appeared, grown bigger and are now starting to bloom. It is beautiful. And, as the story of St. Patrick reminds me, we have complete faith that this will happen each year. We believe that this "resurrection" will happen each spring and it never fails. May my faith in Jesus Christ be just as strong as I believe that he will redeem, heal, and move within our lives.

Lent Day 28: Endure

I have been struck by these irises in our front yard the last couple of days. They never seem to fully open. I don't know if they don't have the best soil or what, but they always seem to try and open before they are fully ready and yet they work so hard and push their little yellow faces out before most irises are opening. They endure each year and come back to show their little shiny faces at the beginning of spring. A picture of endurance for me.

Lent Day 26: Celebrate

Sometimes, to fully celebrate, we have to stop and pay attention to what it is we have to celebrate in our lives. We can get so caught up in everything that we forget to celebrate the little things. I feel I have so many things to be thankful for and I want to be able to stop and celebrate them. Thankful that every Sunday during Lent the word is Celebrate so that I pay attention.

Lent Day 24: Practice

I recently was okayed by my midwife to start exercising again.This was an exciting moment for me because I have become antsy sitting on the couch and "taking it easy." So, I went out for a longer walk/jog to try and warm up my running muscles. Boy was it hard. Even though I walked more than I jogged, I could tell how lethargic my muscles in my legs had become.

I am usually a perfectionist and I am hard on myself. I can get down on myself for not keeping up with schedules, for not getting as much done as I thought I should, and for needing to walk during a run. However, this "run" was different. I was well aware that my ligaments would be weak, that my legs would be out of shape, that my lung capacity might not be what it used to, that overall my body had taken a beating through a pregnancy that involved high blood pressure and lots of rest instead of being able to keep my body in shape. And somehow I had quite a bit of mercy on myself. I congratulated myself on the short bursts of energy. I listened to my body and took breaks when I needed to to let my ligaments and leg muscles rest. I was well aware of the fact that I did not want to over work something before it was ready and harm my body in some way.

As I ran I listened to Tim Timmons. His song "You Remain" came on as I encouraged myself and congratulated myself on getting out, in the rain no less, to get some fresh air and exercise.  Part of the lyrics are below:

"You Remain"

I'd be lying
If I said I wasn't tired of trying
And now I'm down to my last excuse
So here I am waiting for You

When I take the wheel and everything starts falling apart
I start to wander off the road that leads to Your heart
Still there You are

In the broken, when I'm losing my way
When I'm lost in all the doubt and the shame
You remain, You remain
.
.
.
I've tried to do this now for so long on my own
You'd think I've figured this whole thing out some how
But just when I think I can fall faster further away
I turn around and there You are


I realized that my body is going to need practice to get back on track. It will take time, patience and consistency. I will have to be easy on myself and ease back in to an exercise regime. Hopefully I will get back to where I was before my pregnancy at some point, but I won't rush myself to get there.

The same is true of my spiritual life. It takes practice to build up those spiritual muscles. I "start to wander off the road that leads to [God's heart]" but he is patient with me and I must be patient with myself as well. Grace, mercy and patience will help me to be open to practice my spiritual muscles so that I can grow closer to God and firmer in my faith.

Lent Day 23: Stop

  

Today as I was out in the yard with the dog, I was reminded of the word for today: stop. As I looked around our yard I saw the garden beds waiting to be turned over and prepared for seeds and I pulled seeds out of the gardening "shed" in the backyard (to see what I still have- hoping I have some snap peas so I can get those planted!). 

Today the word stop reminds me to take time to enjoy the changes that are happening around me. Those changes are everything from a change in job, the marvel of my quickly growing and changing daughter, and the changing seasons bringing the hope of  planting and new life. I just hope my little girl will give me a small break so I can get my hands in the soil and plant some seeds. If she doesn't I guess this is a reminder to not stress about it and stop and marvel at this precious little thing that would rather be held in my arms instead of sitting by herself. As my husband would say, that's what I get for praying for a cuddler!

Lent Day 22: Wise

Last week, as I sat on the couch (where I currently spend a lot of time because it is where I feed our daughter), I watched as our trash was picked up at least two different times. I say at least, because I thought I heard a garbage truck earlier in the morning and then I watched two garbage trucks pick up our trash. TWO. We don't make that much trash, in fact we have the smallest trash can available besides an insert that makes the space even smaller. And yet I watched it with my own eyes. I wondered if the second guy was aware that he had dumped air into his truck.

The ironic thing is that our neighbors across the street, at times, have been completely forgotten and they have had to call to have their trash picked up the next day. So, to watch two separate garbage trucks pick up our garbage made me laugh.

This week I was once again on the couch as the garbage truck pulled up. I watched as the garbage man (yes it was a man, I am not being sexist here) pulled up so that our trash can was parallel to his door. This was a curious thing- that is not how the garbage gets picked up. He opened his door and leaned out so that he could lift the lid of our garbage can. Then he shut his door, pulled forward and allowed the side lift to pick up our garbage can and dump the contents into the truck. I smiled. Obviously he was aware of what had happened last week as well and was checking to see if our trash had already been picked up or not. Having seen that there were still bags of garbage in the can, he continued with his job.

As I think about it now, there really wasn't a reason for him to check. It probably would have been easier for him to pick up the garbage whether there was anything in there or not. But something about his actions spoke "wisdom" to me. He was aware of the mistake that had been made and was going to act accordingly. Wise actions. Brought to you by my garbage can.

(Late) Lent Day 17: Beloved

The other day I felt very much like God's beloved. It had been a long week-like any other week where I am home by myself all day taking care of an infant. This is long because there isn't much adult interaction during my day, my day revolves around feeding a baby, and, probably the biggest culprit, I can no longer do anything without first considering where my baby is/what my baby is doing. I have found that I look forward to my husband coming home from work for a few different reasons; 1. I love my husband and love hanging out with him, so having him home is a joy, 2. ADULT interaction, 3. I can do anything I want without being interrupted for an hour or so because my husband will take care of the baby. I can type my blog, I can change the laundry, I can shower, I can do dishes--all without being interrupted by a crying baby. I get a break for a little bit before we start nighttime feedings.

Well, this particular week my hubby had been home late a few days because we are trying to finish fixing up a house so we can put it on the market. The problem is that the house is in another city, so it means my hubby goes from work to the house and then gets home when I am ready to go to bed. With nighttime feedings following this, I feel like I don't get much of a break. And, this week he was going to work up at the house on Saturday to get a few more things done so I was getting ready for day 6 of full-time single parenting (very impressed by single parents by the way!).

Please don't read this as a complaining piece. I am so proud of my hubby and his hard work to get this house on the market. He works hard all day and then goes and does more work so that we can hopefully soon get this extra stress off our plates. However, I wasn't looking forward to another day without him and without real plans for adult interaction. We prayed that I would be blessed by some sort of outing or visit or...

Then God answered prayer. By the end of the day I had had a visit by my parents (and got to take a long shower), my aunt and uncle to drop off soup (yay free dinner!), and a dear friend from work who brought me flowers and let me engage in intellectual conversation about education.

Not only did I get one visit, I got three separate visits that day--and that made me feel like God's beloved.

(Late) Lent Day 16: Follow

One time a friend of mine posted a picture of herself doing laundry on Facebook with the caption- "So that cultural anthropologists in the future,when they study our culture through social media, will know that I did more than just visit the beach and play with my son." It is true; often social media shows only the positives in our lives. We display our best side so that it looks like life is full of smiles, trips, and hangouts. The problem is that sometimes we compare ourselves based on this skewed view of life. Where is the ugly in this?

I am blessed with a few friends that share the ugly. One of those friends can easily laugh at herself and shares the funny, embarrassing and hard realities of parenting and life. But perhaps there isn't enough of this. In fact I know there isn't enough of this because when the ugly comes up, sometimes we feel like the only ones with ugly. Okay, sometimes I feel like the only one with ugly. Even the humorous sharing of other people's ugly doesn't help because that feels like a sitcom; something to laugh at. My ugly feels much more like something to be ashamed of- something to hide.

I had some ugly tonight. My daughter has the tendency to urinate while I am changing her diaper. Sure it isn't the sweeping mess caused by boys, but it tends to run down the creases at her hips and puddle behind her on the changing table, getting her clothes and back covered in pee. At 1 o'clock in the morning, after waking her up to feed her (remember this depressing fact that I have to wake her up to feed her?), she wasn't staying awake enough to nurse, so I went in to change her diaper to wake her up a little more. In the midst of changing, she urinated. I caught it, but not in time to keep her sleeper completely dry; just enough on it that I felt I needed to change it. Off came the sleeper and on went the clean diaper...and out came more pee before I could get the diaper closed up. Another wasted diaper and pee up my daughter's back. I was done. I had had enough. Another diaper wasted when I was already sick of how much more trash we were producing with an infant. Another sleeper in the laundry without making it through the night. More smell of pee on my daughter after just giving her a bath.

Another screaming child in another mess in the middle of the night.

Ugly came in the form of instant frustration at the situation. I have enough logic, even at 1am thankfully, that I knew my daughter didn't do this on purpose and it was nobody's fault, but I was done. "I am so sick of this," I sighed in frustration...not entirely quietly. I took a step back and tried to calm myself down, but sometimes ugly doesn't just disappear because our logical brain says it is ridiculous to be upset with an infant, and, these things happen, and, it is easily cleaned up. Ugly only knows that it is 1am, I'm tired, I've dealt with a screaming infant all day, I'm tired of cleaning up urine and feeling like I'm wasting diapers and clothes. I let my infant scream on the changing table and tried to take deep breathes. This is where I am again impressed by single parents because my husband stepped into my ugly and sent me out to "do something else" while he cleaned her up and finished changing her diaper. I had back-up, and I know not everyone has that luxury.

I went into the kitchen and tried to figure out where this ugly frustration had come from as I listened to my husband coo and comfort our daughter. I felt like an awful parent: for the irrational frustration that I was so tempted to take out on our precious baby; for not being as calming and together as my husband (in other words, feeling like a lesser parent); for not getting this mom thing right. Except I am getting this mom thing right- I mean I woke my child up at 1am in order to feed her so she can keep growing strong and putting on weight, right? And my husband hadn't been home with her all day, so he hadn't worn out his parenting patience yet. And other people have parenting ugliness, they just don't air their parenting ugly.

This was a moment where I literally and figuratively looked at my feet. Literally as I leaned on the kitchen sink taking deep breathes telling myself that it wasn't a big deal and to calm down. Figuratively as I inwardly cast my eyes down, ashamed at myself for my actions and frustrated words and my short comings.

And feet made me think of following. And that lead to typing the majority of this post with one hand as I nursed my daughter at 1am in the morning, because there is redemption. Because I can sit on the couch, taking deep breathes, asking forgiveness for my ugliness and admiring the perfection in miniature form, that is my daughter. Because I follow a loving and merciful Savior. My ugliness may come and it will come, but there is forgiveness and grace and patience and start-overs.

And regardless of what social media tells me, I am not the only one with ugliness.

(Late) Lent Day 15: Poor

I have been contemplating the ways in which I am poor. How am I poor? What could this look like besides money?

In church on Sunday we were looking at Isaiah 35- about redemption and the desert blooming with rejoicing and shouts of joy. Our pastor shared a story of Brother Lawrence. He had been a part of the 30-year war and in his wandering came upon a tree in the middle of winter. As he looked at the bleak surroundings he was struck with the idea that all the tree was waiting for was the restoration of Spring. Our pastor talked about the bleakness of winter and how it can be hard on the Spirit. Now, I must admit, that here in Oregon we have not had a bleak winter. In fact, up until this week, we have had several days that feel much more like May or June than the winter we usually think of full of rain and cold and wind. That is when our spirits are really dampened and we struggle to have the same joy we will have when we all experience an uptake in our Vitamin D. However, many states in the country are experiencing this bleak type of winter.

And then I realized that that is where I am most poor at times- in my spirit. I dry up. I lack vision or joy or insight. Then God reminds me- we are simply waiting for the restoration and we don't even have to wait until Spring, although sometimes we do have to wade through some dark times. Or as a friend of mine writes on her blog, we have to sit in the dark, but we can know that other people are sitting there too (http://bethwoolsey.com/2013/10/holding-hands-in-the-dark/). And eventually there is redemption and joy and hope for the poor spirit of mine.

"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy...Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert..." Isaiah 35

(Late) Lent Day 14: Near

Early morning snuggles sometimes make up for the late night feedings. Sitting on the couch after feeding my baby and having her snuggle up against me in her favorite position-head on my chest curled up in fetal position. She feels comforted by my heartbeat and is content with her tummy full of milk. She often sleeps the soundest on my chest, unfortunately, since that is not how I want to spend my night to make sure she gets deep sleep (can you learn to get deep sleep lying on your back in your bed, please baby girl?).

However, it does give some perspective on God and drawing near to him. Can we put our head on His chest and listen to His heartbeat, matching ours to His? Can we rest securely in His arms, knowing we are held by Him?

I desire to be this near to God, resting on His chest and knowing I am loved and cared for by Him.

P.S. I can't believe I look kind-of like a teenage mom in this photo even though I am over 30 years old. I guess that is a good thing...

Lent Day 21: Knowledge

Gaining a new kind of knowledge lately. I've been missing passing on knowledge every day to eager students and challenging myself to learn alongside them, as well as intellectual conversation with coworkers. However, being home presents the opportunity to explore different avenues and I am currently seeking the knowledge of others as I contemplate what this season in my life might hold. I'm currently learning about the knowledge that Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove and his wife gained as they built a community around those who needed housing. Interesting to hear their stories and what they learned as they responded to the following verses:
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me...I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:35 & 40

Lent Day 20: Sabbath

It's not what I would normally call Sabbath. Sabbath is about rest and contemplation and a break. Sabbath is not corralling a dog who isn't used to walking on a short leash next to a stroller and trying not to be self-conscious about the fussy baby in the stroller as you try to steer with one hand. But being out in the fresh air, accomplishing the small task of taking the three of us for a walk at the same time for the first time--this somehow spoke Sabbath to me. There was something refreshing about it, which I believe is another reason for Sabbath- to be refreshed and to break out of routine. So good to be out walking on a regular basis again and getting some fresh air!

Lent Day 19: Celebrate

Today I celebrate with my husband that we are so much closer to getting our house ready to sell. We were able to get all of the rooms cleaned up today (basic clean, not deep clean) and moved all of the things we still have in the house out to the garage so that it is practically ready to show. My hubby has worked so hard and learned so many things about home improvement as he has worked to make this house marketable. I am so proud of him. Today I got to show him just a little bit of my admiration for him by helping him vacuum, organize, sweep and mop so that it looks like we are almost ready. New carpet will go in soon and then we will need to do some deep cleaning, but almost all other projects are finished up. What a thing for us to celebrate as he has worked for months on this house in his spare time. We are so excited that we are one step closer to being able to have us time on the weekends, plan family outings and not have to worry about when he/we will find time to do this little project or make that phone call to get someone to look at that problem, or give up us time so something can get done...SO EXCITED!
Almost, very nearly, practically, not far from, essentially, near to, on the brink of, on the edge of, just about, on the verge of, bordering on, close to being done!

Lent Day 18- Part 2: Speak

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." James 1:19 and 26